My Return to Innocence
This past summer I came to a startling realization. 12+ years of self-forgiveness brought me to the realization that I was born innocent and pure and I actually didn't require forgiveness.
I have realized who I am as Life which is who we all are born as... that pure, innocent, beautiful, majestic, precious, and most amazing creature of life that is a newborn baby. And as we grow and develop, the curiosity and want to explore, get to know, understand and experience compounds that reality of our true nature.
The reason this realization was so startling to me was because I had come to believe that at my core, the core of who I am, was evil, deceitful, something I couldn't trust and that was rotten. This is actually who I believed myself to be so much so that I decided I needed a process of forgiveness to purify me. From one perspective, I did because I had come to believe that I was rotten at my core and so it was. What we believe is what is real and true for ourselves - whether that is the actual truth at its truest essence or core - what is real for us is what we believe. So I walked a process of self-purification... believing that who I had accepted and allowed myself to be and become was something that was evil and that I created the evil in this world and that I must be held accountable for the evil of this world. Until I realized I'm actually not that. I am not evil, I do not need to be redeemed from evil and I do not have to suffer for the evil that has been done.
At my core I am pure. I am, as we all are, children of life and as we see in our own children, who we are are simply explorers, here to learn and get to know ourselves in this space/time reality. We get to explore ourselves in form, we get to create and experience ourselves as whatever we want to be. For me, that is to experience my utmost potential as Life but ultimately each is free to choose who they want to be.
With this realization also came the understanding that there is no right or wrong. We will not be punished, condemned, or forced to suffer or lose anything in our exploration. We are children of life, Life loves us as a mother would love her child, wanting only the best for the child and to give the child space and time to learn and grow and decide who the child wants to be and what they want to experience, with the constant desire for that child always to be happy.
This was the most freeing realization for me. With my understanding of who I am at my core being innocent, I am free to explore myself without fear of being punished or doing something wrong. That I may create an outcome I didn't intend but that does not make me a bad person that deserves to suffer. It makes me a being that has learned a lesson about being the creator of my life experience. The idea of morality, or there being right and wrongs, is a construct of restraint and enslavement that I actually had the keys to releasing myself from. I finally took my keys and let myself out of my own imprisonment and from out here, the world opened up for me. All of a sudden the world was here for me to explore and I felt encouraged to follow my passions and interests and curiosities and that I could trust that I can't get it wrong.
So I have been thoroughly enjoying myself the last few months exploring myself unconditionally and with full acceptance and love for myself. I don't judge myself and I don't tell myself there's something I can't do if I have a genuine interest in it. I no longer take account of my actions and judge if what I am doing is right or wrong as a point of comparing one action to be better than another. All actions, all moments, all decisions are valuable and in honor of me and gift me with the experience of Life. So, I cherish it all because, like Life, it is to be cherished - not judged or defined as a category of this or that but for it to be FREE to be whatever it wants to be.
Returning to my innocence allowed me to remember again what I already and have always known... we are free, we are eternal and literally
everything and anything is possible. And furthermore, this physical reality is designed to create and manifest everything and anything we BELIEVE is possible.
This story is really only just beginning as I found my way back to my beginning and my innocence.